Didn't realize how long it's been since I posted anything on here. Things have been fairly crazy in my life and I haven't had much of a break. Every time I think about writing a post, I'm busy and when I finally have a few moments to sit down and get online, I either forget that I was thinking about it or there are lots of people around and I don't write well when I know someone could just look over and see my progress. I know that sound weird because I'm posting these online for everyone to see but it's just one of my many little quirks (probably picked up from my mom).
Like I said, it's been hectic since I got back from my last mission. We had to do all of our debriefing and then my team got shoved into this ridiculous two week training course that did absolutely nothing but cause us stress and basically waste a lot of time. But it was a necessary thing for us to do and I must say, we rocked it. Then, we got shoved into getting ready for our next mission and with that, the arrival of seven new team members to replace those who were leaving. I had just gotten used to the team I was on and was trying to improve in the areas that I had been having problems with and then BOOM! New people to train.So I very quickly got my act together and started trying to help the new guys get situated into Team 2.
During my time in port, after trying to get over the fact that I had had my heart broken in the middle of the last mission, I attempted to start a new relationship with a guy I met on base. In retrospect, jumping into a new relationship so soon after my last debacle and with only a few weeks to actually spend with him was not my best decision. I regret not thinking about it more because it caused unneeded drama and pain on both ends. But now my mind is clear and I know that I will be able to enjoy being single without any doubts for a while. Being in the command I'm in is not conducive to a stable relationship, I'm on mission too often to build something firm. I feel very knuckleheaded for not listening to advice given to me at the time, but at least I did come to my senses before I let things get too serious.
This mission so far has been...interesting. I won't go into details because frankly, it irritates me too much to think about certain things and I'm trying to remain calm and controlled. I've basically just been trying to focus on myself and only myself because that's all I really can do. Most things are out of my control, so I'm just gonna focus on my job and do it the best I can and hope that I'm seen for the hard worker I can really be. I don't want people focusing on the bad parts of my past anymore, I want them to see the changes and see that I want to be what I'm expected to be and better. Unfortunately, some people can't always see past my shortcomings and while I wish I could change their minds for them, I know that I can't. So that's why I just keep focusing on me and trying not to worry about what they think of who I was then. It's not easy but I make myself try, because if I don't have something to strive for, then I have nothing.
A lot of my drive and motivation has actually come from an unexpected source, I recently reconnected with my former fiancee. We're not getting back together, I don't want people to get the wrong idea, but we rekindled a friendship and he has been very helpful in giving me motivating advice and reminding me of why I do what I do. He has found a new woman to heal his heart and while there will always be that tiny pang of jealousy, simply because of our past, I am happy for the two of them and I wish him all the happiness in the world. I feel like he and I have turned a new page and while we won't ever quite get to where we were before this time last year, I have hope for our friendship and I will cherish it for as long as it lasts because he was my best friend for two years and I can never forget that.
Since this past February, I have had a lot of good moments and I have had a lot of bad moments. At some points it has seemed like the bad outweighed the good, and there were days when I didn't even feel like it was worth it to get out of bed because nothing seemed worth my time, but looking back, when I had good moments, they were really good. And I have been blessed beyond measure with the most amazing and supportive parents and family I could ever ask for. I have incredible friends that have stood by my side when I needed them most. I learned some invaluable life lessons, I learned how hurtful the world can be, but also how healing the world can be. I look back, and am grateful for every day that I got to wake up, breathe, and live this crazy life that God has given me. I've hit rock bottom and from there, turned to Him and gave everything up and He has brought me back up. I will never be the same as who I was when I arrived out here, but in some ways, I'm glad that I'm not the same. I will never make some of the same mistakes again, but others I'm sure I will, because that's what we humans do. The only true mistake though, is the one we don't learn from and I am trying so hard to learn from every little mistake I make, so that I can make myself a better person. I am not perfect, I am flawed just like the next person. There are pieces of me that have been broken that may never be fully fixed, but I hope that they are. It's a terrible thing to go through life holding on to every little bit of pain the world throws at you so I'm doing my best to just let it bounce off me and move on.
It's been a while since I've been able to coherently put my thoughts into words like this, there's been a lot of anger, hurt and sadness running through my mind, but hopefully I'm turning a corner now and can start the uphill battle. I can finally count the days until I get to go home and see my family, even for a little bit and that tiny piece of hope is enough for me.
Sorry for the feelsy kind of post but I just had to get all this out there before I said it all out loud and got reminded of the fact that I'm actually a girl by my teammates. I swear they do actually care about me..I think lol
Anyways, you guys have a great and blessed day and I will see (hopefully a good portion of people) you soon.
Love always from your favorite MA,
Victoria
